My Calling and Commitment
This is probably one of the most anticipated topics that would interest some if not most of the people closest to me. Well, it’s almost saying that I’ve been asked by almost 99% of my closest circle of friends what’s next in the newly opened chapter of my life. But in truth, nobody’s asked me directly yet. And my guess, mostly because the opportunity to ask me directly hasn’t presented itself yet, partly my fault because I don’t seem to be actively visible at all in most meetings specially sunday services.
But one person did asked me directly. Guess who? Yeah, you guessed right.. It’s Anj, my beloved wife, who asked me where lies my commitment and where goes my calling. I tell you, if it’s someone else who asked me, I’d probably make up some crude story-telling to get that person’s sympathy to my side and make them believe that I do have a commitment and that my calling is so-and-so. But with Anj, since then, I am powerless to her inquisitive and dedicated prodding.
I didn’t answer her. I should have some form of plan before we decided to show ourselves (after years of hiding from plain sight!) and finally get married. But I didn’t. I was glad to be accepted once again under the covering of the church. And I was itching to get back to where I left. Though if you ask me, I have a very faint idea where that was. But the excitement was there. And once again I felt God’s geniune love for me, which definitely went beyond my faults, sins, and failures. Amazing..
But see, that’s not where it ends. As Ptr. Ariel did say, “it’s just the beginning.” True. Now that Anj and I are free once again, it’s where to go and where to start that’s confusing us. My expectations were already set. That we would join the young couples. That we’d be attending the church at Calamba.
Then it suddenly dawned on me that I can never go back to where I left from two years before. The worship team, whom I once committed to lead to musical excellence for the glory of God. My cellmates, whom I committed to grow up with. And the SOD, whom I once committed to lead.
Somehow, I am jealous (in a holy way?) of the people they have become. Proud, yes. But it feels like I could no longer identify myself with them. These are very significant and deep commitments I’ve made that somehow I couldn’t bear to be torn away from me.
My path is different now. But I have just recently realised that my calling and my commitment is based on how God sees me. It’s not exactly based on what I gave myself up to in the past. Those were all shining moments, yes, but they certainly do not define how God sees me. One sister once commented that to everyone’s eyes I looked liked a guitar. Funny, in a way, but that’s just who I was back then, a reflection of my life. I don’t think that opinion has endured today. People see me differently now. They say I am a dad, well, because I have my baby Apple, yes. However, in God’s eyes, I am still the same. How He sees me never changes.
Before the foundations of the world were laid, God already knew me. And He knows who I was, who I am now, and who I will be in the future. But how He sees me never changes. Since He has eternal eyes, He sees all of me at once, my past, present and future. It doesn’t depend on how glorious it looks to people my past is. Nor does it depend on how much failure I have brought upon myself. His eyes do not falter and how He sees me never changes. He already wrote and engineered my unique qualities and gifts. He alone awakens them. He alone puts them to sleep. And He alone knows who I really am.
I was once worried and depressed that I could no longer fulfill my calling. I cried many times to the Lord, at night, alone in the bus, while eating my lunch, and while reminiscing all that I was before. Ashamed, yes, but for each time, I remember my commitment to Anj and to Apple. And for each time, I breathe in a renewed sense of hope and encouragment. Because both of them define who I am. And if I know who I am, I know my purpose, I know my goal, I know where I am, and I know where to go.
It’s the same with my King. He defines who I am for before I was formed in my mother’s womb, He already knew me. He sees me for who I am. And that is where my calling comes from.
Most of us asked God many times what our calling truly is, for signs, for words, scriptures sometimes only to get a vague message: “You are my child, and I love you.” And many times we press on, for a specific word, for a specific path. For some of us, God speaks directly and for some God shows the intended path. I write with no intent to dispute anyone’s calling for I am never in such a position to do so.
Going back to that very private moment, when you clearly heard God speak to your heart, “You are precious to me, my child”, have you ever thought that He might have just given you your calling? This may have taken place anytime, during your first encounter with God, or second or third, or nth time, doesn’t matter. It may have come in the deepest moments of worship, alone or in the church. Or it may have come in such a busy place while you were queueing up for something, it doesn’t matter. As long as your heart was set for God and you heard Him. The question is, just how did you respond to Him?
Well, since I am writing this blog, take me as the example.. My response? I have to worship Him, and I just have this overwhelming desire to do so in front of all people and lead them to a glorious revelation of who He is, of how great a God He is, of how great is His Fatherly love, and just how He deeply longs to meet with all of us in intimate extravagant worship. That is my response. And everytime I hear His pure voice and see His truth, that is my heart’s desire, my heart’s response to Him.. There’s merely no other way..
Now I can’t say this is for everyone. But this is definitely where my calling is, in how He sees me. For in moments when I come close to getting a glimpse of that, my heart’s response is pure, clear and sharp as a razor’s edge: to lead people close to His heart through praise and worship. That is my calling, and though I don’t have any idea how, I would soon come to terms with it, and I can say that it is my design, it is how I am built.
The way to my calling is my commitment. And my commitment is for me and my house to serve the Lord of hosts. I could tell Anj about this, but as expected, she’d need a more specific answer.. one of the things I do love about her. ♥
What’s next for me now that I am married, now that I have a baby, now that our lives are back in the light? Two words that never grow old even if you do: calling and commitment. Perhaps it is best to be faithful where God leads me. For in the past, God has never abandoned the faithful for He Himself is Faithful. Those who put their trust in the Lord will never be put to shame. The opportune time awaits. And when it does come, it won’t be wasted. I will ride to where His presence is and fly to where He leads me. All for His love, all for His name, that all may see and hear that He alone deserves all glory and praise, that He is the King of Kings and the Saviour of my soul..